I’m already here at school and as expected walang teacher at 5 pa lang kaming magkakaklase while the other sections are already having their lessons na...
I woke up early this morning feeling excited and nervous because this is my first Saturday class for the 2nd sem...actually last sat pa nagsimula kaso hindi ako pumasok dahil umuulan at ayaw na rin akong papasukin ni mama....ok lang naman kasi according to my classmates, wala naman daw teacher kaya umuwi lang sila ng maaga.
On my way to school, naalala ko na madadaan ko nga pala kung saan SIYA nagwowork and when the fx passed by that place, I closed my eyes (because I knew I am committing a very big terrible sin) and there's a sudden pang. No, its not because I tried to avoid that place...a little...but because I suddenly remembered my life’s frustrations.
One of my life’s frustration is I don’t like the course I m taking up and I hate the school where I’m studying. I hate the course because it’s not the course I want to take up. This last few months I had finally realized that I really want to take up psychology and be child psychologist someday. Then why am I taking up this vocational course? Actually it’s not my decision. It has never been my decisions. It was my aunt’s. Why? Since my parents can’t afford to send me to college, my aunt offered but I need to study _____ at_____ and I am not going to continue psychology. She only gave me two choices. Take it or leave it and the only choice that I have was to take it. Because if I declined their offer, I am going to be the “ talk of the town”- the term my cousins and me are using if one of us committed a mistake because in our family if you did something they don’t like, you will be the star for a week or two. And that is the reason why I need to take it. If I don’t, then they will be talking about my negative traits over and over again and they will be asking me a lot of question with matching sermons….and that’s what happened when I refused to study at Fatima….If they only knew….
I hate the school. Actually, the people there are cheerful and friendly; the school was clean and was away from the very busy and noisy streets. The only thing that I hate about them was their system. It seems they are not fully prepared. They only posted an advertisement saying they are accepting enrollees for_______ but they are not prepared. Lack of teachers, lack of equipments etc. Even their announcements are not clear. They will make an announcement today and tomorrow they will change it. Tsk! Tsk! What kind of student would like to study there if the system was ______. I don’t want to write the word.
The other frustrations? Actually, its like I am confused. There are some things I wanted to do but I know it’s not the right thing to do. I am sorry Yola, ate Cathy, ate zel, kuya Glenn and Father Nonette. But miss Maru and I really really do. Last week while I was teaching my tutor, a visitor came and she is carrying a baby. It was the visitor of the grandmother of my tutor. Since I am sitting near the visitior, I can’t help but look at the baby and there is pain and I know why. I miss him. Then yesterday my tutor’s cousin, SJ, brought out all his remote control cars and even if I tried to avoid the pain, it came…and the last thing I want to do was to buy him a gift for Christmas. But I know its not good. I need to move on, let go and grow up so I can face other life’s challenges. But just like what I have written a while ago, I am confused. One part of me wants to do it while the other one said no and what made it worse is that I kept asking myself why I didn’t carry him and cuddle him in my arms the last time I saw him? It might be the last time. I really want to do it but why I didn’t? I really felt bad about it and almost everyday I am asking that question to myself. I want to go back there and carry him, hug him, talk to him and put him to sleep…. but its not good…it was his mom….NO, I don’t want to talk about what happened that day and what happened to the “ friendship”- if you call that a friendship. But there’s something I want to tell her--------You made a mistake and one day you’ll be thanking me for coming in to your life. But whatever happened in the past, I will always be a friend. I wish you luck and happiness. I’m always praying for you and your family. I just hope that if the day will come for us to meet again, there will be no more walls between us and no more hypocrisy. I hope we can still smile to each other without remembering what happened in the past…and maybe a little chat about our life’s accomplishments….
And maru, oh! I miss you so much!!! If only I could see you or visit you then this pain will fade away…but….I just want to tell you that even if I will never see you anymore or you don’t get to know me, I’m always here praying and caring for you. Be a good boy like your dad. I miss you and I really do care about you. One day if the right time comes, I will drop by your house and say hi…and your gifts? Don’t worry lil one, I’ll think about it… and whatever my decision might be…it’s for the best…
So there are the 2 of my life’s frustrations and I hope that as the new year will greet us, they will be no longer frustrations but my armors as I continue my life’s journey. I hope that I will become a stronger person full of hopes, faith and dreams as I welcome the new year. New life.
Christmas na!!!!! oh no! la pa akong xmas gifts for yada yada and yada! And yola’s birthday is on Thursday na…tsk! Tsk! Ano ba kasing magandang iregalo no? asa kanya na ata lahat eh…HAPPPY BIRTHDAY FRIEND! From your friend whose been struggling to win her life’s many challenges.

PS: TSK! TSK! What a waste of time! Ayaw kaming tanggapin nung teachers naming kasi marami na raw siyang estudyante. The same with the other teachers marami na raw sila masyado…. poor us!!! Kaya ang ginawa naming…umuwi na lang……tsk! Tsk!